Lonely New York Man Plays In Volleyball Leagues Six Nights A Week In Desperate Attempt To Appear Popular

NEW YORK CITY, NY. In an increasingly transparent effort to create the appearance of a full and rewarding social life, local man John Clougherty reportedly plays in a volleyball league six nights of every week, Volo officials confirmed Friday.

Sources said Clougherty is currently occupied Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Saturday, a schedule friends initially interpreted as evidence that six different kinds of things were happening.

“John is always saying he has plans,” said one friend. “We assumed he meant dinners, parties, dates, or some kind of thriving community. Eventually we realized he was describing the same plan six times.”

Volo staff discovered the scope of the situation during a routine review of league rosters, when the same name appeared across an unusual number of divisions, neighborhoods, and recurring calendar entries.

“At first, we assumed it was a duplicate account,” said one league coordinator. “Then we realized one person had simply scheduled the same evening six times and given each one a different team name.”

Investigators found that Clougherty maintains six separate team group chats, causing his phone to buzz throughout the day with some variation of “Do we have six tonight?” The constant pings have made him appear extraordinarily in demand to anyone who cannot see the screen.

Despite the demanding schedule, investigators found no clear evidence that Clougherty is getting better at volleyball. “You would think the reps would help,” said one teammate who has watched him make the exact same hitting error every Tuesday for more than a year. “At this point the consistency is almost impressive.”

Several players expressed concern after learning that the person they knew as “the volleyball guy” was doing this every night.

“I thought our team was special,” one teammate said. “Then I learned we were just Tuesday. It was like finding out your dad has another family, except there is one for every night but Friday.”

Officials said Clougherty may hold an unofficial record for most simultaneous league commitments. Staff clarified that six is only the number of leagues he currently plays in each week, not the far larger number he has registered for as seasons have turned over throughout the year.

“He is not on six teams,” said another coordinator. “He is on six teams right now. We had to update the spreadsheet.”

Volo has not announced whether the record comes with a trophy, discounted registration, or complimentary physical therapy. Sources close to Clougherty said any award would likely be stored beside a collection of more than 100 team shirts spanning the known color spectrum and multiple disputed categories of heather.

Asked what he does on Fridays, Clougherty stared silently into the distance before mentioning that there might be an open gym.

At press time, he was considering a Friday league after hearing it had “a pretty good level.”

Clougherty denied that the leagues were an attempt to fill a profound emotional void, explaining that the Wednesday league “actually has pretty competitive play.”